Things I think I've learnt from these phrase books

My wonderful mother gone and bought me these two phrasebooks for my journey. She must've thought it's important for me to be able to communicate properly, or like, whatever. I've been studying the Korean guide for a week now, as that's the more topical journey for me at the moment. I now know how to say "More water, please!", "Thank you!" and "No thanks on the soju, I suffer from crippling migraines!" Just kidding, I don't know how to say the third one, although that's the most important one for me.

I foolishly assumed that the guides were identical, what with the same publisher, same publishing year, and even the same look for the front cover: attractive asians stuffing their faces with food.  But when I finally had a gander at the Japanese guide, I realised I had been a foolish FOOLISH little girl indeed. The guides have very different chapters, and some completely different segments. The back cover advertises its self with "Feel at ease, with the ESSENTIAL tips on culture & manners!" So, with a little bit of comparing and a bit of sudoku-esque brain work, I think I've learned some very valuable lessons on Korean and Japanese culture I would now like to share with you.

Little miss camera whore jumped to the opportunity to have new shots for her modelling portfolio.

On talking with natives who might not speak English as well as you:

What the Japanese guide taught me: "Would you like to learn some English?"

What the Korean guide taught me: "I gave that child a cookie".

What I think I learnt: Japanese people love to be patronised, Koreans don't mind if a foreigner grooms their kids. 

On meeting people: 

What the Japanese guide taught me: "Can I take a photo (of you)?"

What the Korean guide taught me: "Can you take a photo (of me)?" 

What I think I learnt: Yes, seriously, the Korean guide didn't have the option for a taking a photo of someone else. So what I think I learnt from this is that Japanese people are snazzier dressers OR that Korean's take really shaky photos. 

On talking about kids:

The Korean guide had a whole segment dedicated to talking to a pregnant woman ("When are you due?", "Do you know the sex?") that the Japanese guide didn't have.

What I think I learnt: Don't buy Korean condoms.

On talking about opinions and experiences:

What the Japanese guide taught me: "I thought it was extremely strange."

What the Korean guide taught me: it didn't have the above phrase.

What I think I learnt: I didn't learn anything because I already knew Japan is kinky as shit.

On pick up lines: 

What the Japanese guide taught me: "You look like someone I know" and "You're a fantastic dancer"

What the Korean guide taught me: "Shall we get some fresh air?"

What I think I learnt: The dating game isn't as jaded in Japan yet as it is in Korea. You can probably get away with "It's not you, it's me", still. But unfortunately the guide didn't teach me that. 

On sex:

What the Korean guide taught me: "Do you like that?", "I like/don't like that" and "I won't do it with out a condom".

What the Japanese guide taught me (seriously): "It helps to have a sense of humour about it". 

What I think I learnt: bring your A-game if you're thinking about getting laid in Japan. 

On problems in a relationship:

Again, the Korean guide had a whole segment dedicated to this subject that the Japanese guide was missing. It contained such helpful phrases as: "He/She is just a friend", "Are you seeing someone else?" and "I want to stay in touch".

What I think I learned: This.

On women's health:

This too, is a segment that I could only find in the Korean guide. Phrases included: "I haven't had my period in eight weeks", "I found a lump here" and "I need the morning after pill".

What I think I learnt: It's lucky I'm already in a relationship because a relationship in Korea seems to be a hellish nightmare haunted fairground ride. 

This lil' bitch thinks she's all that.

The roundoff: 

Seriously. Don't do it. It's not worth it.