Things I think I've learnt from these phrase books

My wonderful mother gone and bought me these two phrasebooks for my journey. She must've thought it's important for me to be able to communicate properly, or like, whatever. I've been studying the Korean guide for a week now, as that's the more topical journey for me at the moment. I now know how to say "More water, please!", "Thank you!" and "No thanks on the soju, I suffer from crippling migraines!" Just kidding, I don't know how to say the third one, although that's the most important one for me.

I foolishly assumed that the guides were identical, what with the same publisher, same publishing year, and even the same look for the front cover: attractive asians stuffing their faces with food.  But when I finally had a gander at the Japanese guide, I realised I had been a foolish FOOLISH little girl indeed. The guides have very different chapters, and some completely different segments. The back cover advertises its self with "Feel at ease, with the ESSENTIAL tips on culture & manners!" So, with a little bit of comparing and a bit of sudoku-esque brain work, I think I've learned some very valuable lessons on Korean and Japanese culture I would now like to share with you.

Little miss camera whore jumped to the opportunity to have new shots for her modelling portfolio.

On talking with natives who might not speak English as well as you:

What the Japanese guide taught me: "Would you like to learn some English?"

What the Korean guide taught me: "I gave that child a cookie".

What I think I learnt: Japanese people love to be patronised, Koreans don't mind if a foreigner grooms their kids. 

On meeting people: 

What the Japanese guide taught me: "Can I take a photo (of you)?"

What the Korean guide taught me: "Can you take a photo (of me)?" 

What I think I learnt: Yes, seriously, the Korean guide didn't have the option for a taking a photo of someone else. So what I think I learnt from this is that Japanese people are snazzier dressers OR that Korean's take really shaky photos. 

On talking about kids:

The Korean guide had a whole segment dedicated to talking to a pregnant woman ("When are you due?", "Do you know the sex?") that the Japanese guide didn't have.

What I think I learnt: Don't buy Korean condoms.

On talking about opinions and experiences:

What the Japanese guide taught me: "I thought it was extremely strange."

What the Korean guide taught me: it didn't have the above phrase.

What I think I learnt: I didn't learn anything because I already knew Japan is kinky as shit.

On pick up lines: 

What the Japanese guide taught me: "You look like someone I know" and "You're a fantastic dancer"

What the Korean guide taught me: "Shall we get some fresh air?"

What I think I learnt: The dating game isn't as jaded in Japan yet as it is in Korea. You can probably get away with "It's not you, it's me", still. But unfortunately the guide didn't teach me that. 

On sex:

What the Korean guide taught me: "Do you like that?", "I like/don't like that" and "I won't do it with out a condom".

What the Japanese guide taught me (seriously): "It helps to have a sense of humour about it". 

What I think I learnt: bring your A-game if you're thinking about getting laid in Japan. 

On problems in a relationship:

Again, the Korean guide had a whole segment dedicated to this subject that the Japanese guide was missing. It contained such helpful phrases as: "He/She is just a friend", "Are you seeing someone else?" and "I want to stay in touch".

What I think I learned: This.

On women's health:

This too, is a segment that I could only find in the Korean guide. Phrases included: "I haven't had my period in eight weeks", "I found a lump here" and "I need the morning after pill".

What I think I learnt: It's lucky I'm already in a relationship because a relationship in Korea seems to be a hellish nightmare haunted fairground ride. 

This lil' bitch thinks she's all that.

The roundoff: 

Seriously. Don't do it. It's not worth it. 

Things I Would Quite Like To Do:

I refuse to call this a bucket list because that would entail I would DIE after this holiday and I feel like I still have a lot to give to this world. Mainly my poetry. Anyway, I thought it would be a good way to start my travel blog, to list all the things I hope to achieve and do and eat and purchase during my stay in Korea and Japan. Here we go:

1. Weird snacks. C'mon guys. The best part about travelling to a foreign country is visiting a grocery store and laughing at all those weird snacks. I want to try them, and I want to review them for your pleasure.

2. Buy a Hello Kitty waffle iron. I don't particularly like Hello Kitty. And I think waffles are just alright. But ever since planning this holiday, I have had Hello Kitty waffle iron stuck in my head as a MUST purchase. I think it's because it's the most quintessential kooky Asian thing I can think of. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to find one, or how expensive they are, but it's a mission I'm hell bent on completing.

3. Visit Hula Hoop mountain. Koreans adore hiking, I've been told. And public exercise. George told me that if you hike to the top of the mountain behind his house, there are public hula hoops for everyone to use. I would like to do some hoopin' and looking at beautiful scenery. Preferably during sunset.

4. Not get food poisoning. This is a really important one.

5. Do some writing. This is a boring and unfunny one so I won't elaborate.

6. Celebrate Buddha's Birthday. Buddha's bday is on the 17th of May this year. Party traditions involve drinking green tea and buying a shit tonne of lotus flower paper lanterns that have LED lights inside, and parading up and down (not sure this part is correct) the city. I'm like a moth to tacky carnival tat, so the lanter part sounds like heaven to me.

7. Wear a couple's outfit with George. Look, Koreans LOVE to dress so that they match their partner! George has already told me no, but I'm thinking with a lot of nagging and childish tantrums, he'll do it eventually.

8. Be complimented by a stranger. Apparently this happens a lot and if it doesn't happen to me, I'll take it as a sign I'm fuck ugly.

9. Buy a shirt with awful Konglish on it. Maybe bring one for my mother.

(photo curtesy of engrish.com)

10. Not wear jeans. This was the first whole winter I spent in Finland in four years. And boy was it a long winter! If my calculations are correct, I wore jeans (not the same pair) for eight months straight. My knees need to breath. My ankles are calling out for nature.

11. Visit all the Bangs. Not as kinky as it sounds. There are norebangs, dvdbangs and ps3bangs, respectively. These are private rooms to hire out to karaoke, marathon seasons of LOST and to play Little Big Planet 2 until my retinas bleed. When in Rome, blah blah blah.

OK THINGS I WANT TO DO IN JAPAN:

12. Visit Disney World. "But Milla" you say in an incredibly whiney bitch voice, "there's sooo much more exciting and cultural places to visit in Japan than the capitalist suck hole that is Disney World". Shut your whore mouth, I've never been to a Disney World/Town/Land and I DESERVE to go to a one. End of discussion.

13. See something really kinky and weird. Undecided what exactly, but I hear there's cafes where the waitresses dress as maids and either give you the girlfriend experience ("Honey! You're home! I've missed you! Do you want a cup of tea for 10€?") or give you the cold shoulder as a part of the whole "unrequited love" fetish. Luckily I'm travelling with Sam, my male companion, who is no stranger to these things. We did accidentally see a stripper once after all, so we know what we're doing.

14. Don't get worms/food poisoning. This is really important too.

15. Have a crepe.  Have you seen those things? Shit looks delicious!